Parenting No Jutsu
by Bryon Nightshade
Summary: They said the years of peace had left her soft. They said that being a mother had dulled her edge. They said a lot of things they really shouldn't have said. Because all those words led the thieves to make a fatal mistake: they messed with Hinata's children.


_Disclaimer: the author does not own the characters and situations of the Naruto universe, and does not use them for profit._

 _I'll admit to a minor tweak from canon- it might not even be noticeable, honestly._

* * *

"Are we sure this is a good idea?"

Ex looked at his missing-nin partners, Wye and Zee. His face was one of concern. His partners hated that face. It was Ex's default face, and they hated that, too.

"We've been over this," said Wye. "You agreed."

"I know I did, but... it's peacetime, isn't it? Are we sure we'll find much of a market?"

"Of course we will. Peace never lasts forever. There'll be another war eventually, and that means people will need weapons. And what better weapon than the byakugan? Kekkei genkai is the gift that keeps on giving."

"There's a reason people have tried to steal it before," Zee added.

"And how did that turn out?" Ex said glumly.

"Different situation," Wye said with a wave of his hand. "That cloud-nin was so careless. When he made his move, the whole village was on alert because there were strangers there. We won't make the mistake of letting them know we're coming."

"We'll be a bolt from the blue!" Zee said enthusiastically.

"The guy with lightning chakra would use that phrase," Ex muttered.

"You're just jealous, ground-pounder, that my chakra nature trumps yours," crowed Zee.

"I'm not jealous," said Ex with a tone of wounded pride. "You're the ones who need me and my earth chakra for this job."

"Not this again," Wye muttered. "You two are always sniping at each other- just like for the job in Grass, and the job in Noodles, and the job in Bear. And we needed all three of us for the job in Grass, and for the job in Noodles, and for the job in Bear. Right?"

The other two grumbled incoherently, but they couldn't argue the point. Without three of them they couldn't call themselves the Triad. The Dyad sounded stupid, and a missing-nin on his own was just meat waiting to happen. Especially these days. Before the Fourth Great Ninja War, a missing-nin who escaped the boundaries of his home nation was in a good spot. Hunter-nin usually wouldn't risk crossing into another nation unannounced- there were so many political risks- and most nations pursued other nations' missing-nin only tepidly. Missing-nin could be turned, after all, or might be dangerous or embarrassing to their home nations. They were weapons, in other words, and nations were loathe to throw weapons away.

That wasn't so much the case these days. The nations were a lot more understanding about hunters doing their business cross-borders, especially to and from the Land of Fire. They said some brat from Konoha was responsible for a lot of that...

But even that wasn't such a concern, not after ten years of peace. Those processes were rusted. It was too quiet. The Triad had seen, in other countries, the consequences of the peace. Readiness was slacking. Alertness was down. Training was uninspired. Everywhere, ninja had let their guard down to an extent that made them an embarassment to the title.

In such an environment, a small team with war experience, good planning, and sharp skills could accomplish a lot.

For the Triad, it was a living.

"I still don't think we should be picking on one of the great nations," Ex said. "We do our best work in the little ones."

"That's what everyone's saying," Zee said. "Which is why it'll be perfect for us."

"We've discussed this," Wye piled on. "It's two-to-one."

The Triad made all of its decisions by vote. Since Ex and Zee could be counted on to oppose each other, that left Wye as the permanent tiebreaker. Since this gave Wye de facto control of the group, he was all for this approach.

Ex couldn't argue that directly, so he picked up the dossier instead. "This is the chick whose kid we're taking?"

"That's right," said Zee. His demeanor had morphed form almost-manic to tightly focused. "Uzumaki Hinata."

"Woah, woah! I know that name. Isn't that the guy everyone says is gonna be Hokage soon?"

"That's what they say. Too bad he's out of the village, and will be for another couple of weeks. He's on an open mission to the Land of Snow. That leaves little missy home alone with the kids, and she's lapsed."

"Lapsed?"

"She hasn't been seen on-mission in seven years. She's been too busy with her five kids."

"Five?!"

"I know. Seems crazy, huh? It's no wonder she gave up her career, keeping track of that many runts. Five of them between the ages of eight and one. She was a chuunin in the Fourth War, but she hasn't been active for a while. It doesn't matter how good those Hyuuga eyes are if she's out of practice. She's like this whole ninja world these days. Rusty. Decadent. This plan will work."

Ex sighed. "Alright, alright... what's the plan?"

"Pretty standard for us," Wye said, smiling. "We'll start the tunnel outside the range of Konoha's sensor perimeter. Ex, you do the digging. Zee scopes out Konoha to refine the plan. I'll navigate the tunnel and provide sensor support. When we're not digging, Zee rigs the tunnel while we knead chakra. If we keep up a good pace, we'll finish the tunnel in four days. That's the same time the next Princess Gale movie comes out. Father dearest will be obliged to be at the premiere. It'll take a minimum of ten days for him to get home from that. Plenty of time for us to vanish."

Ex had to agree with that. Vanishing was what ninja did best. His hands flew through a series of signs. "Let's get started." He pressed his palm to the ground. The dirt beneath his hand sunk away.

* * *

Hanabi sat across from her father. They were sharing some tea. Hanabi wasn't crazy about tea, but at least hosting her father like this gave them both an excuse to stay away from her sister and her... brood.

Just the thought caused a bitter taste to rise in Hanabi's mouth. "Father," she complained, "you're the clan head!"

"Hm?" he said, surprised.

"Where does Hinata get off driving you out of your own home?" Hanabi demanded.

"She didn't drive me out," he replied. "My rooms and bed are still there. I could go back any time I wish."

"But you don't," she charged. "Haven't you been staying with great-uncle for months now?"

"Ah... well."

He took a sip of his tea, with a very slight polite slurp. That seemed to be in lieu of words, so Hanabi pressed on. "What are they doing in the clan leader's compound, anyway? It's not like they're Hyuugas."

"They're absolutely Hyuugas," he replied firmly.

"No Hyuugas ever acted like _that_ as children," Hanabi countered. "They're worse than the Inuzukas- at least they'll sit when you tell them to."

"They are... there is some Uzumaki in them," Hiashi conceded.

"They shouldn't be in that house," Hanabi hissed.

"They have every right to be there. They're family."

"They're terrors. They're uncontrollable, and they're in that house with all the family relics and keepsakes and heirlooms... All those precious treasures are in the way of that rowdy bunch who, by the way, are just discovering that they have chakra!"

"Hinata has done a splendid job safeguarding the house and everything in it."

The words- and his placid demeanor- took Hanabi back. "Father, when did you get so indulgent?"

"Indulgent?"

"You used to hold Hinata to a much higher standard. Now all you want from her is to not ruin your house!"

"Speaking as a father, that's harder than it sounds," he replied.

This did not assuage Hanabi. "And now you're making excuses for her?"

"She's earned some leniency."

Anger filled Hanabi. There was never any leniency for _her_... "How?" she demanded.

He smiled. "I almost don't want to say. I don't want you to feel like you have to match her. The two of you have different trajectories, now- different lives. Don't worry. You'll be clan head in due time. Barring some disaster, that boy will be hokage soon. Even if Hinata were clan head, she'd have to step down if she became Hokage's wife. That would be a conflict of interest for the Hokage, and she won't do that to him. You'll get what you wanted, and I- I'll get all the things I wanted."

Hanabi fumed. Obviously, one of the things he wanted was a fearsome and strong-willed clan head, and he was going to get that from Hanabi. So what else did he want? What was Hinata giving him that Hanabi wasn't?

He must have sensed her frustration. A slight smile appeared- one that appeared all the larger on his stoic face. "Grandchildren," he said.

That left Hanabi speechless. He looked so... so... serene. And not the normal blank serenity any Hyuuga could affect by age five- this was suspiciously like contentment. Hanabi couldn't help herself. "So all she had to do to win your approval was... get knocked up?!"

He didn't reply, didn't blink, didn't respond in any way except to pointedly not respond. Hanabi's words rang in the silence like a silent self-reprimand. She couldn't stand before her father's featureless gaze. She dropped her eyes.

"My brother died," he said at last. "His son died childless. His line is ended. It may be selfish for me to say, but I didn't want that to happen to me. Now it won't. Don't think you have to be like Hinata; you're making me very proud of you just as you are. But Hinata has given me a great gift. I can spare her a trifling thing like a house."

The elder finished his tea and set the cup down. "Thank you for the tea, daughter," he said.

He moved slowly towards the exit, but he was still gone before Hanabi could think of anything to say.

* * *

"Map," said Wye, pocketing Zee's sketch of the Hyuuga clan head compound. "Check. Kunai." All three members of the Triad held out kunai knives. "Check. Caltrops."

Zee opened a satchel on his hip. One of the little spike-stars tumbled to the ground. Immediately it started jittering and buzzing along the ground. Both Ex and Wye backed up hastily. Zee grinned and hit the caltrop with a jolt of lightning chakra. It fell still immediately. Zee reached down and gripped the caltrop between two fingers. As he lifted it, an oily sheen of poison was just visible.

"I suppose it'd be pointless to yell at you to be careful," Ex said in Zee's general direction.

"Not now," Wye said shortly. "Caltrops, that's a check. Shadow shuriken." He displayed several shuriken on his belt. A chakra formula was etched into their surfaces. "Check. Traps."

"In place along the tunnel," said Zee, "clustered into two gauntlets. Check."

"Sword."

"Check," said Ex, patting the scabard. It was a short sword, almost a grandiose kunai, but there wouldn't be much room in the tunnel for extravagant swordplay.

"Firebombs."

Zee held out a storage scroll. Wye didn't blame him for not showing the physical item. The firebombs they used were glass orbs full of volatile liquid. Thrown against a surface, the glass would shatter, the liquid would spread, and a lightning-chakra spark would ignite the whole mess. Little wonder Zee didn't want them on his person until it was time to use them.

"Check. Tranquilizer." Ex held out several darts with the fast-acting pseudo-poison. It would have no permanent effects, but it would make it easier to carry their payday.

"Check. Pain stick." Wye patted his sleeve. He was very proud of his secondary weapon. It was a tool to apply instant genjutsu. Physically, it was just a blast of air, but when that air washed over a body it would inflame every nerve that could transmit pain. Short-ranged but very effective. It didn't matter how strong a person was- pain would drop them.

"Check," Why concluded. "Well, that about covers it." He rolled up the checklist and replaced it. "You guys ready?"

"Ready as I'm going to be," Ex grumbled.

"Don't be like that," said Zee. "This'll be a blast!"

"If it is, we weren't quick enough. If we do this right we won't fight at all."

Wye rolled his eyes. It just wasn't worth it. "Let's go," he said.

The Triad dropped into the tunnel, pointed at the Hyuuga compound in Konoha.

* * *

A parent can hear a child's crying almost instantly.

Hinata sighed as she awoke. She loved her kids, but she'd never realized how much she took sleep for granted before she became a parent. As her mind slowly returned to consciousness, she grew concerned. That wasn't typical lost-my-binkie or wet-the-bed crying. That was pain. Byakugan, she whispered.

That was... the eldest that was crying. Out of his room, on the floor on the patio. No surprise that it was him- he was a light sleeper- but what had gotten him up? Why was he there, in pain? Wait... one, two, three, four. Four. One of the children was...

She exploded out of bed and raced down to the patio. There- her boy was lying on the floor, obviously in pain. Still no sign of...

"What's wrong?" she asked soothingly.

"It hurts!" her boy wailed. Hinata looked intensely at him with byakugan- no cause she could detect even with her eyes. "Where's your sister?"

The boy managed to extend a hand towards the ground just off the patio. "Taken!"

There was no fatigue. Hinata was on fire, she was filled with acid and rage. This must have been how her father felt all those years ago, perfectly willing to burn two villages and who knew how much else because a village was an abstract thing and families were real and her body screamed with the need to *make them pay*...

Her son whimpered, which tore her attention back for a moment. "I have a B-rank mission for you," she told him. She thought she did a decent job of keeping her killing intent out of her voice.

Tears were still streaming down his face, his body was wracked with sobbing, but he responded to that. "A m-m-mission?"

"B-class," she confirmed.

He sniffled loudly. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Go find grandpa and bring him here."

He managed to frown. "That's easy... for a B."

"But very important. Can you do that for me?"

He nodded.

"Good."

"Where are you gonna be?"

Hinata rose. "I'm going to get your sister back."

The dirt was smooth where the boy had pointed, but that didn't fool the byakugan. There was a tunnel, covered over to hide that it had ever been open. She might have missed it without her son cuing her, but with the cue, it was plain to her. She leapt atop it and spun.

Neji's zero-blind-spot defense had used rotation and chakra to create what was, practically, a dome. That wasn't the only way to use that technique, though. By only emitting chakra from her feet, Hinata was able to adapt the technique into something like a drill.

She was into the tunnel in a moment. Well, there was only one way to go. That simplified things. She set off at maximum speed. There was no question of efficiency or conserving chakra. There was no holding back.

Uzumaki Hinata was on the warpath.

* * *

"Didja have to zap the kid?" Ex grumbled.

"Shut it," said Wye. "He was in the way, it was the quickest..." His stalled out as something new intruded on his senses. "She's coming. Earlier than we expected, but we can manage."

"Yeah, she's gonna run face-first into my trap array!" said Zee.

"She's already past it," Wye corrected.

"Wait, what?"

No time to correct Zee's misplaced pride. "Ex!" said Wye.

Ex was last in line as they dashed down the tunnel. He stopped long enough to put his hands to the side of the tunnel. A wall of earth sprung up, blocking everything behind. Ex had just turned to resume running when there was a blasting sound.

He looked back- and she was through the wall, like it had never been there. Ex hurriedly threw up a second wall. Juho Seshiken, Hinata whispered. Raw chakra was projected from her hands in the form of lions. Down went the wall with a roar.

There was no time for Ex to throw another jutsu. Ex drew his sword and stabbed. Hinata angled herself slightly- that and a precise burst of chakra caused the sword to just slip past her.

Parenting no jutsu- Bug Dropping.

One of Hinata's hands grasped Ex's sword arm. Chakra blasted into Ex's hand, not destroying, just causing nerves to fire on her command instead of his. Ex gasped as his hand went numb and his grip slackened. The sword slipped away from him; Hinata batted it away with her spare hand.

That's when Ex made his fatal mistake: he took a halting step to try to regain his sword. Hinata slid into the opening this gave her and unleashed Juho Seshiken. Ex was blasted into the wall.

"We lost Ex!" said Wye. "She's coming after us again- gosh, she's fast!"

"It's almost like we've got something she wants," Zee snarked. "Don't worry, I've got it." He pulled the cord on his satchel. It spilled open, letting caltrops skitter across the floor. They immediately started buzzing and chattering at random along the ground.

Hinata saw them. She didn't slow.

Parenting no jutsu- Living Room Crossing.

Hinata's feet angled sharply, until only her toes touched the ground on each stab-like step. Even with the caltrops' random tumbling, there was never enough foot on the ground for them to connect with anything. Hinata's steps were too precise and quick.

"Zee," said Wye nervously. For the first time, he was beginning to think this might not have been a good idea.

"Don't worry, she's at the second trap gauntlet," Zee replied, before activating the traps with a quick handsign.

"She blew through the first in no time," Wye pointed out.

"Yeah, I know, byakugan, but it takes a lot of chakra to maintain that, right? She can't keep it up forever."

There was a woosh sound, then a whistle, followed by a crash, two crackles and a boing.

"Zee," said Wye, tightening his grip on the captive child.

"Whatever, I've got it!" Zee declared. He put a hand to his scroll, summoned a firebomb, and chucked it over his shoulder.

Parenting no jutsu- the Baby's Head!

As the glass orb hurtled towards Hinata, her hand went out to meet it. Instead of crashing, the ball was cushioned, redirected, and swept along behind Hinata. It crashed and burst into flames in the hall behind her, too far for her to even feel the heat.

Zee growled angrily and threw a second firebomb, this time aiming in front of Hinata. She didn't dive or tumble; she took a stutter-step, stooped, and scooped the ball out of the air before it impacted. Once more she controlled it, carefully channeled it, and let it go behind her.

Snarling, Zee drew his third firebomb and turned to throw it at her directly. By now, the range had closed enough that Hinata didn't have to stand for that. Eight Trigrams Air Palm! A chakra-propelled burst of air punctured the firebomb in Zee's hand. It burst. In a moment his whole arm was covered in fire. Hinata brushed him aside as she set her sights on the last leg of the Triad.

How was she still coming? With as much chakra as it took to run at these speeds, to say nothing of throwing all those jutsu around, she should have been exhausted by now. There was a reason the Triad depended so much on ninja tools; it let them save more chakra for speed. Yet she was somehow, if anything, going even faster.

Wye threw a shadow shuriken at her. The shadow clone jutsu formula caught his eye as the shuriken began its arc. A quick handsign from him multiplied the number of shuriken in the air, filling the tunnel with pointy metal death.

She was spinning almost before the weapon left his hand. The projectiles bounced off of her chakra dome. Wow- she still had chakra to burn? Not that Wye'd really expected that to work. No, that was to buy him time to draw the pain stick.

As soon as she stopped spinning and resumed charging in, he blasted her.

She yelped and stumbled... but she brought a foot under her before she fell. She recovered faster than Wye would have thought possible- that level of pain would have dropped a bear- and when her eyes met his, her face seemed even more vengeful than before.

More importantly, she was in range.

Eight Trigrams, Sixty-Four Palms.

Her hands became blurs of motion, the effect enhanced by the flashes of white chakra that accompanied each jab. And when it was over and Wye was defeated utterly, Hinata plucked her daughter from his arms before he even hit the ground.

"There, there," she said soothingly, patting her child. "There, there." Her daughter wasn't moving much, but that was expected- they'd probably drugged her to make her easier to transport. The byakugan didn't see anything too wrong. She needed soothing and comforting all the same. Abduction could have quite an effect on a child. Hinata knew that only too well.

Wye moaned. Hinata gave him a once-over with byakugan. She hadn't been able to hit all his chakra points, not with her daughter in the way, but she'd hit enough. He was done. What was left of his network would avail him nothing. "How did..." he managed before gritting his teeth in pain.

Hinata gave him a pitiless look. "What was that?"

"You're a housewife," he said. "You haven't been on a mission in years. You should be too busy with the kids for any sort of training!"

Hinata saw her daughter would still need some time to recover, and it would be good for her to hear her mother's voice, so she decided she had nothing to lose by lingering a bit. "It has been limiting," she admitted. "I can't be like my classmate, Rock Lee, and spend whole days doing nothing but exercises. But there are many types of training."

She smiled. "I'm guessing you don't have kids of your own. Imagine for a moment- five ninja children, and they all have genin-level chakra reserves. What kind of mischief do you think they could get to?"

Wye was startled. "Genin-level chakra at that age?"

"It's the Uzumaki in them," she said modestly. "And they're as... rambunctious as their father ever was. That's why I had to develop Parenting No Jutsu."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Not at all. I disarmed your teammate with Bug Dropping. I developed that to keep my kids from eating things they shouldn't. I caught the firebombs with the Baby's Head. My family's house is full of old relics. Lots and lots of things that can break. I came up with the Baby's Head so I could keep all those relics from breaking. I could catch them safely before they broke, if I could get there in time.

"That's where Living Room Crossing comes in. Kids' toys end up everywhere. They'll make a mess of any floor, and then the floor can make a mess of your feet. Not unlike caltrops. But with the byakugan and Living Room Crossing together..."

"How were you able to use so much byakugan?"

"That wasn't that much, compared to a normal day," she said. "At home I use the byakugan almost continuously to keep tabs on everyone."

Wye's mouth was dry. "Is that how you had enough stamina to chase us down like that?"

A gentle blush came across her cheeks. "Ah, no." She was suddenly bashful. "That's from having to keep up with my husband."

Wye could quite sort out what that meant, in his state of confusion, so he pursued a different course. "Stamina is one thing, but pain tolerance- the pain stick should have overloaded you and dropped you."

She gave him a look of scorn. "I've given birth to five children with no anaesthetic," she said. "You have no perspective when it comes to pain."

That cowed him a bit, so she continued, "Anyway, limited time to practice isn't the same as none. Of course I've spent time keeping up with my clan techniques. They're part of who I am, and part of who my children are. I need to be able to teach them that, after all, soon enough."

She smiled. "Can you imagine? A handful of ninja with Uzumaki chakra volume and Hyuuga chakra control?"

Wye didn't have the time to fully appreciate the horror of that thought, because a new and mighty chakra was flaring in his senses. It was a large, radiant chakra, emanating heat and energy like a wrathful sun. "What's that?"

Hinata checked her daughter. Asleep, and burrowing into her mother's shoulder. Good to know she felt safe. There was no reason for Hinata to tarry any longer. She rose. Oh, the question. "That would be my father," she said.

The widening of Wye's eyes brought a slight smile to Hinata's face. "He is very protective of his grandchildren, you see," she added. And with that, the world's most dangerous housewife strolled down the tunnel back towards Konoha, leaving the missing-nin to their fate.

Wye wondered, in a terror-fogged mind, if he could crawl out of the tunnel before the star arrived.

Nope.


End file.
